Personally, Pinterest, while undoubtedly an excellent form of time-wasting, is also a wellspring of ideas. The unending supply of pictures–of everything from colorful people to almost-unearthly places–frequently sets the wheels humming in the back of my mind. I’ll be innocently scrolling through the thread-that-never-ends, and the Muse will say “Hmm. Hang on a sec.”
Pictures like that make the Muse happy, make her imagination run wild. So where do you find inspiration?
(I found these images via Pinterest, and did try to find out who owned them. If they belong to you, and you want them taken down, please let me know. I appreciate your beautiful work.)
Okay, I admit it. I love to read fiction. Especially fantasy. Bonus enjoyability points if it’s YA fantasy. I’ve read predominantly fantasy for years now, with a few forays out into mysteries, forensic thrillers, and humor (Stephanie Plum, anyone?). I normally read several books at a time, with one “main” book that I pick up whenever I have a spare moment. Normally, these are all fiction.
But lately, my TBR pile has moved into uncharted territory for me: non-fiction. Exclusively non-fiction. What? That’s what I thought, too. Now, instead of the latest fantasy gem to catch my eye, I’m reading–and eagerly awaiting reading–books like The Omnivore’s Dilemma, In Defense of Food, Pandora’s Seed, and The First Human. Granted, The First Human is reading for my anthropology class, but I’m really enjoying it and am finding it quite interesting. Pandora’s Seed also started off as reading for my evolution and ecology class–last semester–but it’s pretty interesting as well, and ties into my latest personal research into environmental issues. The Omnivore’s Dilemma and In Defense of Food are both about topics that I find very relevant of late, as I focus more on my health and eating healthier in general. Both gave me a lot of–excuse the pun–food for thought, and gave me more focus on how I spend my food dollars, and the statement I want to make with them.
I’ve also been doing more spirit-based reading, including The Blessed Life, by Pastor Robert Morris (pastor at my church, Gateway Church, and a phenomenally gifted speaker). Up next are the Divine Revelation books, and some more spirit-based reading.
Basically, I’ve found that my reading habits have changed lately, more closely tying in to the personal growth areas I’m working on. Instead of reading for sheer entertainment, now I seem to be drawn to books that will help me grow.
Does anyone else find that their reading habits change over time, or in certain situations?
(No, he doesn’t read this blog, he doesn’t even know of its existence. This is just a form of personal therapy, a way to get these thoughts out of my head and find some sort of closure, even if it’s only in my own mind.)
Hey. It’s me. You know, the one you claimed to love. The one you said you “could see yourself spending the rest of your life with.” The one you made plans with to move to California, to get 3 dogs with (yes, I still think “Bear Jew” is a stupid name for a dog). The one you asked “Can you just hang around for the next 50 years or so?” Yep. Me.
I wish I had known upfront that you were not the person you said you were. I wish I had known that all those things you said, all those plans you described, all the promises you made, were lies. When we first started dating, you told me so many things, things from your past, things that you weren’t proud of, and I never judged you for any of that. I never thought less of you. I still loved you unconditionally and accepted you , just as you were.
And I told you things I’d never told anyone else. You knew exactly how badly I’d been hurt in the past, and promised me you wouldn’t do that to me. But you did. Twice. You broke my heart, knowing exactly how badly it would hurt me, you did it anyway. The first time, I accepted your reasoning as logical, even if I still thought it was stupid. It made a sort of sense, and I knew you still loved me, we were still in each others’ lives. The second time…sigh…
The second time it was just plain selfish, childish, cowardice. Because you can’t deal with real life, with civilian life. Because you think only of yourself. Because growing up and having an adult relationship scares you. Because you refuse to get help, even when you know you need it. Because you freak out and have panic attacks when you realize that people you’ve known for years are now grown-ups and don’t want to party and drink all the time. Shocking, I know, how some people realize there are more important things in life than self-gratification. Imagine that…
I still care about you, very much, but I have found peace in my life now. I still think about you sometimes, memories still hit me out of nowhere sometimes and feel like a dagger to the heart, but I have peace. I’m so much stronger than I was before. But I’m harder as well, and you did that to me. Even with my trust issues and what I knew of you, I trusted you, and now it will be harder than ever for me to trust anyone again. I still don’t understand how you can claim to love someone and knowingly hurt them this badly. You’d been hurt like that before, so how could you do that to me?
We had an amazing relationship. We never fought. We didn’t always agree, but we balanced each other out, and we enjoyed being together so much. I never tried to change you. I never stopped you from doing what you wanted, from going out with your friends, from spending time with your family. The only things I ever asked of you were to be honest with me, and to be who you said you were.
Funny how those are the two things you just couldn’t do.
I heard through the grapevine that you thought about texting me, but didn’t, because you weren’t sure how I would respond. I’ve made my peace. I have forgiven you. I haven’t completely let go of all of the negative emotions, all of the hurt, the regret, the pain, but I’m trying. No, I haven’t made any effort to contact you, because you made it clear that you no longer wanted me in your life. I simply gave you what you wanted, and took myself out of your life. I don’t hate you. I still care about you. But I won’t put myself into someone’s life who doesn’t want me there. If you want to contact me, that’s fine, but I’m not going to initiate it.
I wish only the best for you. I hope that one day you realize who you are, that who you claim to be isn’t actually who you are. I hope your son stays who he is, and doesn’t learn certain things from you, that he doesn’t turn into the bitter, cynical person you are. Most of all, I hope that you find God, and that you realize that He is what you need to fill that hole inside of you, not drinking and partying and meaningless encounters.
I do still love you, but I need someone who is who they claim to be. A real, honest, trustworthy man, someone who is worthy of my love. Someone who won’t hurt me. Someone who doesn’t think only of himself. Someone like the person you claimed to be.
When I told you I was letting go, what I really meant was “good-bye.”
In case you’re wondering where I’ve been (you know, all three of you that are reading this), I need to make a confession: I tend to over-commit myself. Basically, I need about 5 extra hours in every day to get everything done I need and/or want to do. Here’s a list of things I need to be doing on a weekly basis (some of which I’m failing miserably at):
1) Work (2 15-hour days, 1 13-hour day). On my feet….
2) School: 17 hours this semester (5 class, one lab, WTF was I thinking?)
3) 3 blogs (my writing blog, my personal blog, my environmental blog)
4) Write the first draft of The Fall (My Muse thinks I’ve gone on strike.)
5) Revise the zombie story
6) Revise the werewolf story
7) Write book reviews for Examiner.com (assuming I have actual time to read)
8) Keep up with my writing crit circle (I’m trying.)
9) Church (This has become a necessity in my life. Period.)
10) Keep up with all my home projects (the green-friendly ones that are now my priority)
11) Hang out with family and The Diva (so she doesn’t have a complete breakdown. I love you, sister-wife!).
12) Work out. (Ha. Hahahaha. Yeah. With what free time? I’m pretty sure the 5-7 miles I walk at work 3 times a week count for something.)
13) I’m taking a 6-week Nutrition class on Coursera (halfway through), with a Philosophy class starting in 2 weeks…
14) I’m pretty sure I’m missing something, but I can’t remember what just now…
You’ll notice this list does not include things like, oh, sleep, relax, hang out with friends. All of which are things I do try to do, too. I’ve had some stuff going on with the Sierra Club and Environment Texas. This past weekend, I had a membership class at church. I have another one next weekend.
Watching TV…sigh. It’s a good thing I have a DVR. That’s all I’m saying. Actually, I did watch two shows I had recorded on Sunday, while I was doing other things. A friend of mine called while I was watching. He asked what I was doing. When I said “Watching TV,” there was dead silence on the line for a good ten seconds, then “REALLY?!” Yeah. Before that, it had been…oh, probably a month, since I had my TV on. Money well spent on the cable bill, huh?
In short, I’d show you my daily planner, but I’m too embarrassed. It’s probably confusing to everyone but me. Plus, I’m severely OCD when it comes to my planner and it might be color coded…
We have already discussed four enemies of the art–Approval Addiction, Psychic Vampires, F.E.A.R, and pride. What I find so fascinating is how all of these enemies seem to link together, forming a net that can ensnare us, trapping our muse and strangling her. When we are addicted to approval, we are far more likely to tolerate Psychic Vampires. Psychic Vampires feed off drama, conflict and misery and one of their favorite weapons is F.E.A.R. These types of people love using fear. Why? Because as humans we are wired to combat fear, and Psychic Vampires use this to their advantage.
When we are upset, our brains default to limbic mode—fight or flight. Unfortunately, we can’t operate in the primal brain and the higher thinking centers at the same time. This means that, in the reptile brain, we are prone to making dumb decisions. If a Psychic…
…is hard for me. I try to do too much. I know this, but I continue to do it anyway, until I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I just can’t take it anymore. I’m tired today. So tired. I need to write, revise, blog…but I’m tired. So I’m giving myself permission to NOT do anything constructive (much) for the rest of the day. I’m going to do this:
…that’s a good question. Let me see if I can give you the simplest answer. (Simple. Ha. There IS no simple answer. But I’ll try to explain.). For the first time ever, I started NaNo but didn’t finish it. I think I wrote about 18k words, and then hit a wall. Not a wall in my writing, a wall in my life. For the past four months, I’ve been struggling with depression. And also, apparently, denial. But about halfway through November, I hit this wall, and realized I wasn’t getting any better on my own. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t focus on anything (Good luck with writing…). I didn’t want to be around people. I was sad and hopeless all the time. Thank God, I have good friends, some of whom have been through this. I finally listened to them, saw a counselor and my doc, and now, six weeks later, thanks to meds and some other changes I’ve made, I’m feeling MUCH better. It’s hard to overstate just how much better I feel now. I feel like myself again. And that is SO nice.
I’ve started being active in my crit group again. I’ve started revising my Werewolf story (again). I’m even planning on starting a new story, if not today, then Saturday. And I plan to start blogging here regularly again. I’m back. You’ve been warned….
Tomorrow Is Another Day 