Tag: tired

Weekly Ramblings: Editing and a Hospital Visit

Real Life Update:  I started my new job last week. This week, I was in Dallas for training. Wednesday morning, I had a brief visual disturbance (double vision) that scared the crap out of me. My doc wanted me to get checked out, so I had a brief eval from paramedics, then spent several hours in the E.R. at Baylor Dallas. CT and everything was clear, so they released me. My new boss came to check on me. I was horrified, but that was awesome of him. I’m off until Monday to rest (so I missed almost all of Wednesday, and all of Thursday, but that’s it). I feel fine. No issues since, and they’re pretty sure it was stress-related, but I see my neuro next Friday to get his take on it. (In case anyone is wondering, I had a stroke two years ago without warning. Haven’t had any of these issues in about 15 months.) I took it easy yesterday–pedicure and a nap–and I’m taking it easy today as well. I feel fine, but I think a nap is next on the agenda.

Writing Update: Got my words in on Siren Song last week. I’ll get a few more today/this weekend, as well as some editing.  My Personal and Professional Editing class should be interesting. This week, we learned about Style Sheets (which I’d never heard of), so I’ll be grabbing that idea and running with it. If you’re interested in how editing has changed, our textbook is Editors on Editing (ed. by Gerald Gross), and the essays are pretty fascinating to me.

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to someone I used to know….

(No, he doesn’t read this blog, he doesn’t even know of its existence.  This is just a form of personal therapy, a way to get these thoughts out of my head and find some sort of closure, even if it’s only in my own mind.)

Hey.  It’s me.  You know, the one you claimed to love.  The one you said you “could see yourself spending the rest of your life with.”  The one you made plans with to move to California, to get 3 dogs with (yes, I still think “Bear Jew” is a stupid name for a dog).  The one you asked “Can you just hang around for the next 50 years or so?”  Yep.  Me.

I wish I had known upfront that you were not the person you said you were.  I wish I had known that all those things you said, all those plans you described, all the promises you made, were lies.  When we first started dating, you told me so many things, things from your past, things that you weren’t proud of, and I never judged you for any of that.  I never thought less of you.  I still loved you unconditionally and accepted you , just as you were.

And I told you things I’d never told anyone else.  You knew exactly how badly I’d been hurt in the past, and promised me you wouldn’t do that to me.  But you did.  Twice.  You broke my heart, knowing exactly how badly it would hurt me, you did it anyway.  The first time, I accepted your reasoning as logical, even if I still thought it was stupid.  It made a sort of sense, and I knew you still loved me, we were still in each others’ lives.  The second time…sigh…

The second time it was just plain selfish, childish, cowardice.  Because you can’t deal with real life, with civilian life.  Because you think only of yourself.  Because growing up and having an adult relationship scares you.  Because you refuse to get  help, even when you know you need it.  Because you freak out and have panic attacks when you realize that people you’ve known for years are now grown-ups and don’t want to party and drink all the time.  Shocking, I know, how some people realize there are more important things in life than self-gratification.  Imagine that…

I still care about you, very much, but I have found peace in my life now.  I still think about you sometimes, memories still hit me out of nowhere sometimes and feel like a dagger to the heart, but I have peace.  I’m so much stronger than I was before.  But I’m harder as well, and you did that to me.  Even with my trust issues and what I knew of you, I trusted you, and now it will be harder than ever for me to trust anyone again.  I still don’t understand how you can claim to love someone and knowingly hurt them this badly.  You’d been hurt like that before, so how could you do that to me?

We had an amazing relationship.  We never fought.  We didn’t always agree, but we balanced each other out, and we enjoyed being together so much.  I never tried to change you.  I never stopped you from doing what you wanted, from going out with your friends, from spending time with your family.  The only things I ever asked of you were to be honest with me, and to be who you said you were.

Funny how those are the two things you just couldn’t do.

I heard through the grapevine that you thought about texting me, but didn’t, because you weren’t sure how I would respond.  I’ve made my peace.  I have forgiven you.  I haven’t completely let go of all of the negative emotions, all of the hurt, the regret, the pain, but I’m trying.  No, I haven’t made any effort to contact you, because you made it clear that you no longer wanted me in your life.  I simply gave you what you wanted, and took myself out of your life.  I don’t hate you.  I still care about you.  But I won’t put myself into someone’s life who doesn’t want me there.  If you want to contact me, that’s fine, but I’m not going to initiate it.

I wish only the best for you.  I hope that one day you realize who you are, that who you claim to be isn’t actually who you are.  I hope your son stays who he is, and doesn’t learn certain things from you, that he doesn’t turn into the bitter, cynical person you are.  Most of all, I hope that you find God, and that you realize that He is what you need to fill that hole inside of you, not drinking and partying and meaningless encounters.

I do still love you, but I need someone who is who they claim to be.  A real, honest, trustworthy man, someone who is worthy of my love.  Someone who won’t hurt me.  Someone who doesn’t think only of himself.  Someone like the person you claimed to be.

When I told you I was letting go, what I really meant was “good-bye.”

Doing Too Much

In case you’re wondering where I’ve been (you know, all three of you that are reading this), I need to make a confession: I tend to over-commit myself. Basically, I need about 5 extra hours in every day to get everything done I need and/or want to do. Here’s a list of things I need to be doing on a weekly basis (some of which I’m failing miserably at):

1) Work (2 15-hour days, 1 13-hour day). On my feet….
2) School: 17 hours this semester (5 class, one lab, WTF was I thinking?)
3) 3 blogs (my writing blog, my personal blog, my environmental blog)
4) Write the first draft of The Fall (My Muse thinks I’ve gone on strike.)
5) Revise the zombie story
6) Revise the werewolf story
7) Write book reviews for Examiner.com (assuming I have actual time to read)
8) Keep up with my writing crit circle (I’m trying.)
9) Church (This has become a necessity in my life. Period.)
10) Keep up with all my home projects (the green-friendly ones that are now my priority)
11) Hang out with family and The Diva (so she doesn’t have a complete breakdown. I love you, sister-wife!).
12) Work out. (Ha. Hahahaha. Yeah. With what free time? I’m pretty sure the 5-7 miles I walk at work 3 times a week count for something.)
13) I’m taking a 6-week Nutrition class on Coursera (halfway through), with a Philosophy class starting in 2 weeks…
14) I’m pretty sure I’m missing something, but I can’t remember what just now…

You’ll notice this list does not include things like, oh, sleep, relax, hang out with friends. All of which are things I do try to do, too. I’ve had some stuff going on with the Sierra Club and Environment Texas. This past weekend, I had a membership class at church. I have another one next weekend.

Watching TV…sigh. It’s a good thing I have a DVR. That’s all I’m saying. Actually, I did watch two shows I had recorded on Sunday, while I was doing other things. A friend of mine called while I was watching. He asked what I was doing. When I said “Watching TV,” there was dead silence on the line for a good ten seconds, then “REALLY?!” Yeah. Before that, it had been…oh, probably a month, since I had my TV on. Money well spent on the cable bill, huh?

In short, I’d show you my daily planner, but I’m too embarrassed. It’s probably confusing to everyone but me. Plus, I’m severely OCD when it comes to my planner and it might be color coded…

So, every day, I feel like this:

"Lalalala...I've got this!"
“Lalalala…I’ve got this!”

But in reality, I look like this:

...or not...
…or not…

Taking a day off

…is hard for me.  I try to do too much.  I know this, but I continue to do it anyway, until I’m so mentally and physically exhausted that I just can’t take it anymore.  I’m tired today.  So tired.  I need to write, revise, blog…but I’m tired.  So I’m giving myself permission to NOT do anything constructive (much) for the rest of the day.  I’m going to do this:

relax

…while wishing I was here:

sigh

 

Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll burn out.

Lost: one Muse. If found, please send home ASAP

I’m proud to say I’ve actually made progress this week.  Not on writing.  I haven’t done any actual writing this week.  Sigh….Muse?  Where aaaaare you?  Hello? Okay.  This is what my progress on The Fall looks like over the past few weeks:

dear cursor

You’re right:  nothing.  No writing.  But it’s only Tuesday….Apparently, my Muse has taken off for parts unknown.  Knowing my Muse, “parts unknown” is probably code for “a beach with a hammock, a never-ending margarita machine, and a cute cabana boy.”  I digress.  Where was I?  Not on a beach….

I did, however, manage to do my revision chapter outline for seven chapters of the werewolf story this morning.  I also converted an entire chapter of the zombie story from 3rd person to 1st person POV.  That’s trickier than it sounds…I’ve done short crits for two people in my writing group.  Written several blog posts for my other blogs.  And looooots of homework.   Yay for homework.  Except not.

Goals for the rest of the week:  Convert another chapter of the zombie story.  Finish the revision outline for the werewolf story.  Write another chapter of The Fall.  Survive.