I’m proud to say I’ve actually made progress this week. Not on writing. I haven’t done any actual writing this week. Sigh….Muse? Where aaaaare you? Hello? Okay. This is what my progress on The Fall looks like over the past few weeks:
You’re right: nothing. No writing. But it’s only Tuesday….Apparently, my Muse has taken off for parts unknown. Knowing my Muse, “parts unknown” is probably code for “a beach with a hammock, a never-ending margarita machine, and a cute cabana boy.” I digress. Where was I? Not on a beach….
I did, however, manage to do my revision chapter outline for seven chapters of the werewolf story this morning. I also converted an entire chapter of the zombie story from 3rd person to 1st person POV. That’s trickier than it sounds…I’ve done short crits for two people in my writing group. Written several blog posts for my other blogs. And looooots of homework. Yay for homework. Except not.
Goals for the rest of the week: Convert another chapter of the zombie story. Finish the revision outline for the werewolf story. Write another chapter of The Fall. Survive.
So, despite loads of homework and reading for school, I managed to do mini-outlines for two more chapters in the werewolf story. Progress, although of the infinitesimal, snail-like variety. Three chapters down, 29 to go…but it will get done. And I promised my best friend/co-writer that I would convert ONE chapter of our zombie story to first-person this weekend. I’m also thinking about trying out Scrivener. Anybody out there used it or have any opinions or comments about it?
I also have this sitting on my desk, waiting to be read:
Personal bribery at its best…
I know, I know. The Wheel of Time series has dragged on forever. I’ve heard all the complaints. Seen all the bad reviews for the series in general. I know. Also, I don’t care. I haven’t opened it yet. IF I get all the stuff done that I need to this weekend–homework, writing, revision, blogging, cleaning, re-decorating, planting–THEN I will start reading it. If not, well, it’ll have to wait. It’s been years since I started reading the series, I don’t think a few more days will hurt me.
So, school started again today. Not that I went. Um, the roads were pretty crappy this morning due to a winter weather system that moved in early this morning, and after watching news and traffic reports for a while, I decided I didn’t really want to risk driving 25 miles to school on the first day of the semester. Yes, I hate missing class. But at least this was a day that would have been at least partially taken up with going over the syllabus, which I’ve already read. So instead of risking my life with crazy Texas drivers who freak out at the first snowflake (and let’s not even talk about ice), I stayed home. I did quite a bit of homework. Yeah, I know, it’s the first day of classes. But the more I get done during the week, the less I have to do this weekend. And with 17 hours this semester, there’s a lot to do.
Despite my busy schedule, I still want to keep up with my writing. That means I have to set small goals, instead of my usual over-the-top, all-or-nothing method. With that end in mind, I’ve decided to do a very brief chapter outline of the werewolf story, to make revisions a bit less overwhelming. So I outlined the first chapter today. Granted, it’s maybe 5 sentences, but it’s progress, and I plan to do more work on it the rest of the week. I also plan on converting one chapter of the zombie story to first-person each week, and I also intend to get in at least one writing session a week on the new story. In addition, I’d like to keep up a twice-weekly blogging schedule. That doesn’t sound like much, but I do have two other blogs, so that’s a bit more time-intensive.
This week I’m focusing on baby steps. The tortoise won the race, didn’t he?
I made a bit more progress on the new story, a little more than 1,000 words or so. I love the story idea, of course (or I wouldn’t be writing about it), but sometimes I do get a little discouraged. Sometimes, my inner editor/critic/peanut gallery starts talking louder than normal, and that voice drowns out my Muse and my love for the story. That little voice says “What’s the point? You’re NEVER going to get published. Ever. You’re a terrible writer, and you write crap, and no one will EVER want to read it. Why do you bother?”
Sometimes it’s hard to silence that voice. Sometimes that’s all I can hear when I sit down at the computer. Sometimes I think that voice is right.
It’s a struggle right now, but I won’t let the demons win.
So…after being told repeatedly by several people that I needed to watch The Walking Dead because it is, apparently, the greatest show ever, I finally ordered the first season on DVD. It came in today. Now I’m faced with a conundrum: stare at the blank page of my new story, or this:
This is a really tough choice, isn’t it? Yeah, RIGHT. So, since I’m obviously not going to be staring at the blank page, my next question is this: does watching I-don’t-know-how-many-episodes of The Walking Dead count as “writing”? Not actual writing, clearly, but research for writing? I mean, my best friend and I DID write that zombie story. And my new story DOES have zombies in it….So. Clearly this is writing-related. Win!
I did do some work on the new story yesterday. Okay, I didn’t actually start writing it. I planned on it, but it was Christmas, and I spent the day with my mom and my brother, plus I ended up spending the night at my mom’s house because of the weather, so I wasn’t exactly able to write. But I DID get another chapter outlined, and flesh out my MC a little bit. That counts as progress, right? So. Tomorrow. Again….
Have you ever been so excited about a new story that you jumped out of bed, raced to the computer, and spent hours with your fingers flying over the keyboard as the story poured out of you and onto the page? Yeah, me neither. Well. Let me modify that statement a tiny bit: I haven’t had this happen to me lately. It’s happened, but it’s been a good long while. Say…years. Oh, I’ve written (some). I’ve completed stories. I’ve had new ideas I’ve been excited about. But never to the point where it completely took over my life. As a matter of fact, I have a new story idea right now that I’m really excited about. Sadly…I have no motivation. Seriously. It’s my semester break. I have plenty of time to write. But I haven’t. Not a single word. I have a phase outline of the first chapter. I know a bit about the world and the characters. I have more than enough to start. I just…haven’t.
I need to find my motivation. My Muse (inspiration) is probably waiting at the keyboard for me. All I need to do is show up and be ready to work. Tomorrow. I’ll start tomorrow.
…that’s a good question. Let me see if I can give you the simplest answer. (Simple. Ha. There IS no simple answer. But I’ll try to explain.). For the first time ever, I started NaNo but didn’t finish it. I think I wrote about 18k words, and then hit a wall. Not a wall in my writing, a wall in my life. For the past four months, I’ve been struggling with depression. And also, apparently, denial. But about halfway through November, I hit this wall, and realized I wasn’t getting any better on my own. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t focus on anything (Good luck with writing…). I didn’t want to be around people. I was sad and hopeless all the time. Thank God, I have good friends, some of whom have been through this. I finally listened to them, saw a counselor and my doc, and now, six weeks later, thanks to meds and some other changes I’ve made, I’m feeling MUCH better. It’s hard to overstate just how much better I feel now. I feel like myself again. And that is SO nice.
I’ve started being active in my crit group again. I’ve started revising my Werewolf story (again). I’m even planning on starting a new story, if not today, then Saturday. And I plan to start blogging here regularly again. I’m back. You’ve been warned….
“Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.”
–Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it.”
–Charles R. Swindoll
“An obstacle is often a stepping stone.”
–Prescott
“There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.”
–David Burns
“The rays of happiness, like those of light, are colorless when unbroken.”
— Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
“Happiness depends upon ourselves.”
–Aristotle
“Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.”
–Benjamin Franklin
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
–Helen Keller
“Storms make oaks take roots.”
–George Herbert
“That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”
–Friedrich Nietzsche
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.”
–Denis Waitley
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”
–Steve Jobs
Yeah, it’s a Sugarland song, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. If I wasn’t trying to keep this as polite as possible, the title to this post would have been Sh*t Happens. It happens. It does. Whatever “it” may be for you…well, things aren’t always going to go your way. What happens to you in life is not what matters. What matters most is how you choose to respond to what life throws at you. That is the true test of who you are.
Everyone responds in their own way to circumstances, but tell me this: who do you wish to be more like? The person who, when confronted with difficult circumstances, completely falls apart and becomes hopeless and despairing, convinced nothing will work out for them ever again, that what they want more than anything in the world is impossible?
(Photo courtesy of Amber West, via WANA Commons on Flickr)
Or the person who, even though they are completely overwhelmed by whatever crappy circumstances life has given them, does their best to remain positive and find a way out of their situation, even if that means forcing a smile and “faking it ‘til you make it”?
(Photo courtesy of Catie Rhodes, via WANA Commons on Flickr)
I know which one I want to be, which one I’m struggling to be on a day-to-day basis. This has been a rough week for me. An extremely rough week. What I really want to do is curl up in a ball somewhere and ignore the world—and even more importantly, everyone in it. But that’s not healthy. So, instead, I get out of bed each morning, determined that I will not be sad all day. I turn to my friends, the people who matter most to me in life, the people who will love me no matter what, and they give me the support and encouragement I need to keep going. I do everything I have to during the day, but I also make a concentrated effort to do at least one little thing that I want to, that makes me feel better. Something just for me, no matter how small.
Sure, there’s at least one moment every day that I break down into tears, but I won’t let those moments run together and become interminable. I won’t let this break me. I refuse. Is this what I wanted from my life? No! Oh, such a resounding “no”…but it’s what I’ve got. So I’ll make it through, and I’ll do the best I can do, no matter what. I believe everything happens for a reason. Someone asked me recently if believing that made me feel better. No. It doesn’t. Sometimes, life still sucks, even though I believe said suckiness is happening for a reason. Even though right now, maybe I can’t see the forest for the trees.
(Photo courtesy of M-Smith, via WANA Commons on Flickr)
It will get better. And the people who love me will still be there for me through it all. That’s what they’re there for, after all.
I will not go gentle into that good night! (A phrase that means enough to me that I got it tattooed….)
Tomorrow Is Another Day 